พระอาจารย์อธิบายคำสอนเรื่องการให้อภัย ว่าเหตุใดความไม่ให้อภัยจึงเป็นการขาดทุนในชีวิต และผูกเราไว้กับคู่กรณีข้ามภพข้ามชาติ พร้อมชี้ทางออกด้วยอุเบกขาธรรม สันโดษ และความปลื้มใจในการสร้างบารมีPra Ajarn unpacks a teaching on forgiveness — why holding onto resentment is a genuine loss, how it binds us to the same person across lifetimes, and how equanimity, contentment, and joyful reflection on our good deeds keep the heart free and pure.
Someone raised a teaching given by their teacher's teacher back in 2013, over ten years ago: that we must learn to forgive ourselves and others so the heart can be at peace, so kindness can arise, and so the mind can become pure. A pure mind settles easily into concentration; but a mind that doesn't know how to forgive finds no at all, dwelling instead on ill will toward others — which amounts to a genuine loss, since we were born to build merit, and shouldn't let our hearts cling to what is impure or without real substance. They asked Pra Ajarn to expand on this teaching about forgiveness.
A World of Delight, Aversion, and Neutrality
Pra Ajarn explained that we live in a world of forms, tastes, smells, sounds, and touch — five dimensions perceived through eye, ear, nose, tongue, and body, together with a sixth dimension, the mind. When we encounter this world, we have only three responses: delight, aversion, or neutrality. When we delight in something, side leads us to want more and more of it, breeding greed. When we're displeased by something unwanted, irritation arises; if someone blocks us from what we desire, that irritation can escalate into anger and ill will. Greed leads to competing and grasping; ill will leads to quarreling — both ultimately lead to harming one another. Right intention (samma sankappa) therefore forbids three things: don't let delight turn into greed; don't let displeasure turn into ill will; and when neither of these arises, harm to others never follows either.
Why Not Forgiving Binds Us Across Lifetimes
When displeasure escalates into ill will and we refuse to forgive, an inner "grudge" forms and waits for its moment. No matter how much time passes — even across lifetimes, long after we've forgotten the original incident — that grudge remains, waiting for the day the same person reappears before it surfaces again.
Pra Ajarn shared an example his own teacher once told: two people who had been friends in a past life met again in this life as employer and employee, working together for over a decade. Even though the friction between them in this life was minor, the old karmic residue from unresolved anger and unforgiveness in the past escalated it all the way to violence. This is the result of never learning to forgive one another — holding onto resentment and vengeance. Once that grudge is lodged within, simply seeing the other person's face in a later life — even without remembering why — is enough to stir up irritation and dislike.
The Unwholesome Side Uses Delight and Aversion as Its Tools
Pra Ajarn explained that the unwholesome side works precisely through delight and aversion, which is why we need to hold the mind in balance through equanimity (upekkha) — different from the blank indifference of the neutral (abyakata) aspect, which simply doesn't lean toward good or bad. Equanimity is a mindful, balanced state, leaning toward neither delight nor aversion. When irritation arises toward someone, we should wish them well and forgive; otherwise, that irritation carries forward into the future. Once we forgive, the mind finds peace, because the unwholesome side can no longer take hold. But without forgiveness, the moment we think of the person who upset us, that thought stirs anger back to life instantly, and the mind clouds over.
Forgiveness Allows Loving-Kindness to Take Root
If we understand that the true cause is the unwholesome side using our irritation as a tool — stirring up anger and convincing us the other person wronged us — and we accept that narrative, the mind becomes impure, and defilement takes hold. But once we forgive, (metta) can be established. As long as we withhold forgiveness, loving-kindness cannot arise, and the unwholesome side keeps its foothold. Once we forgive, side and the Triple Gem step in to guide us, refining the heart with merit until it grows purer still. As deepens, (nivarana) can no longer take hold, the mind becomes clear, meditation becomes easy, and happiness and ease follow. Everything becomes gain: merit arises, refined qualities arise, and the takes shape.
Equanimity and Contentment Keep the Heart Steady
Because we're born to build merit, we necessarily depend on the people and circumstances around us — and the unwholesome side often tries to use those very people to plant defilement in us. The wholesome side, in turn, guides us to treat others well and to cultivate good surroundings. We shouldn't let the heart cling to what is impure, because impurity gives the unwholesome side an opening, steering us toward distorted views and wrong perspectives.
Equanimity and protect the heart from being shaken. Contentment (santutthi) means being sfied with what we already have and are — because happiness comes from satisfaction itself, whether we're drinking bitter coffee, eating bitter melon, or simply being with what's familiar; satisfaction alone brings happiness. Equanimity prevents craving for what we don't yet have, while contentment keeps the mind from scattering after every passing temptation.
Finding Joy in Every Act of Merit
Our teacher taught us to reflect on joy in every act of merit — before we begin, while we do it, and after it's done. If we feel no joy, or don't feel it through all three stages, that is considered a loss. This joy can be cultivated deliberately, and it also arises naturally from doing genuine good — when merit purifies our defilements, the mind senses that cleanliness and purity, and joy follows. Simply recalling the good we've done, and appreciating its benefit, is enough to bring that joy forth.
Pra Ajarn suggested reflecting on the -making: giving, morality, meditation, humility, service, sacrifice, consistency of good conduct, listening to and teaching the , dedicating merit to others, rejoicing in others' merit, and holding right view — along with the ten perfections: generosity, morality, renunciation, wisdom, effort, , truthfulness, resolution, loving-kindness, and equanimity. Review each day whether we've fulfilled these, and where we haven't, do a little more, according to our means — and each time we do, let ourselves feel that joy.