พระอาจารย์อธิบายว่าการให้อภัยเป็นเครื่องมือของฝ่ายกุศลที่ตั้งขึ้นได้ที่ใจเท่านั้น ใช้ยับยั้งไม่ให้อกุศลอ้างสิทธิ์จากความผิดพลาดมาทำร้ายทำลาย ยิ่งฝึกให้อภัยบ่อยเท่าใด ดวงอภัยก็ยิ่งมีกำลังมากขึ้นเท่านั้น พร้อมชี้ให้เห็นว่าเหตุใดบางคนจึงให้อภัยได้ยากPra Ajarn explains that forgiveness is a wholesome quality that can only be established in the mind, used specifically to restrain the unwholesome side from using our mistakes as grounds for retaliation. The more we practice forgiveness, the stronger it grows, and he explains why some people find forgiveness so hard to give.
Someone asked Pra Ajarn to elaborate on the topic of forgiveness.
Why We Need to Know How to Forgive
We need to know how to forgive both ourselves and others — only then can the mind be at peace, arise, and the mind become pure. When the mind is pure, it settles easily into concentration. Without forgiveness, the mind knows no at all, dwelling instead on ill will toward others — which is a losing proposition, since we were born to build merit, and should make the most of every opportunity to do so. True happiness requires a mind free of three core defilements: greed (lobha), aversion (dosa), and delusion (moha) — the roots of unwholesomeness we need to understand clearly.
Greed: Suffering When Things Don't Go Our Way
Greed is the wanting, the craving to have and take — no matter how much we have, it never feels like enough. When we get what we want, we're sfied and happy; when we don't, we suffer. This is why we need to abide in () as our refuge — because we can never have everything go exactly as we wish, all the time. When things don't go our way, irritation arises, and side uses that irritation as a tool for oppression — blaming this person or that for whatever didn't work out. If there's no one else to blame, we turn the blame on ourselves. If we hold power, we use it to oppress those around us; if not, we may turn and harm ourselves instead.
Aversion: From a Small Matter to a Major One
Aversion (dosa) arises from irritation and displeasure, stirring up emotion through feelings of pleasure and hurt. Once emotion takes over, everything follows from it — starting with harsh words, escalating all the way to physical violence against others or oneself, sometimes to the point of bloodshed or death. A moment of road rage — snapping at the person beside you and jerking the wheel — can flip a car and end lives, one's own and others', in a single instant, all through the power of aversion.
The Sphere of Forgiveness: A Tool to Restrain the Unwholesome When Mistakes Happen
Whenever aversion arises, whether slight or intense, the unwholesome side always wants to extract some form of punishment — through backhanded criticism, or by cloaking itself in claimed "good intentions." The only thing capable of restraining it is what we might call the sphere of forgiveness — a mental quality established specifically to prevent aversion from acting out. This differs from the sphere of loving-kindness: loving-kindness dissolves ordinary irritation, while the sphere of forgiveness comes into play specifically when a mistake has already happened, and the unwholesome side is looking to use that mistake as grounds for retaliation.
The Sphere of Forgiveness Can Only Be Established in the Mind
The sphere of forgiveness is a bright, clear sphere. Once established, it weakens the power of the unwholesome side and dissolves the suffering that would otherwise follow. Like all 84,000 sections of the — wholesome and unwholesome alike — it can only be established in one place: the mind, nowhere else. The brighter and clearer this sphere becomes, the more it can draw in the pure energy called merit to dissolve the defilement behind the unwholesome reaction.
Say "Forgive," Not Just "Sorry"
Pra Ajarn pointed out that the full traditional phrase for an apology includes the word "forgiveness" (khor a-phai), but in everyday speech that word often gets dropped, leaving just "sorry" (khor thot) — which the unwholesome side can twist into an invitation to "give punishment," since thot also means punishment in Thai. We should be careful to actually ask for forgiveness, not merely say sorry — because asking for forgiveness invites side to grant it, while merely saying sorry gives the unwholesome side room to claim the right to punish instead.
The More We Practice Forgiveness, the Stronger It Grows
We need to keep building up this sphere of forgiveness. Letting go of small matters without holding a grudge lets it expand, until eventually it becomes strong enough to withstand even serious accusations. Without it, life becomes wretched once the karmic consequences of past mistakes come due — we'll have no one to blame but ourselves for never having cultivated this quality. Forgiveness is itself a kind of giving — a gift of forgiveness — beyond material giving, one that protects and shields us from the suffering caused by others' unwholesome reactions to our mistakes.
Withholding Forgiveness Means the Karma Waits to Ripen
If we have ever slandered or wronged someone in the past, that completed pattern is stored away, waiting to bear fruit — whether in this life or a future one. When it ripens, we ourselves will face accusation or punishment, and suffering will follow. There will be no one to blame but ourselves, for not having cultivated this quality when we had the chance.
Why Some People Find Forgiveness So Hard
Someone asked further why forgiveness seems so hard to find these days — even within the same family, with lawsuits between parents and children not uncommon. Pra Ajarn explained: because people don't see the value of wholesome , with no one to teach them, they never learn what this quality of forgiveness can do for their lives. Without a history of forgiving, or having built up too much aversion instead, forgiveness becomes even harder — turning into deep-seated grudges, where small matters balloon into major ones. Some say forgiveness is even harder than sending loving-kindness, because the unwholesome mind clings to the other person's mistake as a fixed point, replaying it again and again.
But for someone who has practiced forgiveness regularly, that sphere of forgiveness will naturally arise when needed — cooling the mind and gently urging forgiveness, leaving the unwholesome side no room to claim otherwise. Like an experienced lawyer with a repertoire of persuasive approaches for turning something heavy into something light, someone practiced in forgiveness develops that same skill — unlike someone who has never exercised it.
An Example: Forgiveness That Made the Resentment Simply Vanish
Someone shared an experience of feeling irritated with a coworker they had to see every day, and choosing to send loving-kindness toward that person continuously, day after day. Eventually, looking back on the situation, they found not a trace of the old irritation left — only compassion in its place. Pra Ajarn explained that this happens when the wholesome side has become dominant in the mind, strong enough to keep the unwholesome side from asserting itself at all. But when the unwholesome side dominates instead, it will keep pointing to old grievances, stirring up emotion, and pushing us toward retaliation just to "satisfy" that inner urge — and acting on it draws in the energy of demerit, forming a completed pattern that waits to bear fruit down the line. Everything that happens to us is, in the end, the working of these wholesome and unwholesome natural forces behind the scenes of our lives.