พระอาจารย์อธิบายว่าความอดทนที่ลดลงและการเอาแต่ใจตนเองเป็นเหตุให้ครอบครัวแตกแยกง่ายขึ้น แนะนำหลักทะเลาะกันคนละเวลา และชี้ว่าคู่ที่เอาแต่ใจมักเป็นผลจากวิบากกรรมและกรรมเป็นเผ่าพันธุ์ที่สืบทอดพฤติกรรมจากรุ่นสู่รุ่นThe teacher explains that diminished patience and self-centeredness increasingly drive families apart. He recommends the principle of "quarreling at different times," and points out that a self-centered partner is often the fruit of past kammic debt and a kammic lineage carrying similar behavior across generations.
Someone asked the teacher about a teaching from an elder teacher on the principles for living together harmoniously in a large, multi-generational household — emphasizing love, goodwill, mutual support, and forgiveness. But the questioner observed that couples typically already have all of this before marriage, so why does it fade after years together, leading to today's very high divorce rates?
Why Love Fades After Years Together
The teacher explained that this problem has intensified over the decades. He recalled visiting a school abroad years earlier and finding that nearly the entire classroom had parents who had divorced — something not yet common in Asian society at the time, but which has since become increasingly ordinary there too. The main cause is people's diminishing : when displeasure or irritation arises, people increasingly assume that finding someone new will be better. But when two people, each lacking patience, come together, they typically find someone of the same disposition. As people in this era grow more impatient, speak more hastily, and become more self-centered, living together grows harder. He pointed out that unwholesome and neutral states are behind all of this, driving people toward division.
The Principle of Living Together: Quarrel at Different Times
The teacher shared a principle taught by an elder teacher: "quarrel at different times." This means that when one partner is upset because unwholesomeness has taken hold, the other should refrain from quarreling back — because when both sides quarrel at once, division comes easily. Conversely, he stressed that affection, too, must be mutual and simultaneous — not one partner reaching out warmly while the other seizes the moment to get even for past grievances. Doing so guarantees neither partner finds living together.
When You Meet a Self-Centered Partner: The Fruit of Past Kamma
He explained that some people, even paired with a genuinely good partner — free of vice, responsible — still find that partner endlessly displeased and self-centered for no clear reason. This pattern is the fruit of kammic debt created between the two in the past, causing unwholesomeness within the other person to churn with displeasure internally, without clear cause. The remedy is to examine one's own body, feeling, mind, and mental objects, observing whether the partner's behavior reflects unwholesomeness churning within them, while also considering the character of both sets of parents — a disruptive, self-centered streak often traces back to parents with similar tendencies. He advised continuing to be patient, honest, sincere, and pure of heart; once that kammic debt is exhausted, a better partner will follow.
Kammic Lineage: Why Family Breakdown Repeats Across Generations
When someone observed that children from broken families tend to repeat that pattern themselves, the teacher confirmed this is correct — it's a matter of kammic lineage. The sense faculties draw beings of similar disposition and behavior to be born into the same family, or to become partners to one another. Someone who was self-centered in the past will be drawn toward a partner of the same character. He offered encouragement that this pattern can be resolved in this very lifetime, through steadily examining body, feeling, mind, and mental objects, and gradually improving one's own behavior. As the old kammic debt resolves, good things — and a good partner — are drawn into one's life instead.